Juice content

It's been bugging me for a while that there are a shelf-load of drinks out there with varying juice contents (1%, 5%, 7.3%) and no-one's explained what that actually means beyond the raw facts.  So I present you with my handy juice level explaination chart.

Level Zero 0% juice. This drink has no idea what fruit is, and rejoices in the artificial flavours it conains. It has a vague idea that its life is unfulfilled, but doesn't know why, so it's always a little discontented.
Level One 1% to 5% juice. A piece of fruit was involved in the making of the drink, and there's a poster of fruit on the wall of the bottling room just to remind the drink where it came from. The drink isn't sure why it's there but it feels superior to the level zero drinks.
Level Two 6% to 50% juice. This drink knows what fruit is, but still contains favourings. It knows it ought to be a better drink that the level zero and level one drinks, but it has doubts.
Level Three 50% to 100% juice. Also known as "we don't need no stinking water in here!" This drink is smug in its fruit content and pities all lesser drinks. It shuns the others when it's put on the shelves, and has to be segregated in its own section to prevent taunting and fistfights.

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